Relations with parents and own family - Orthodox view
Unfortunately, most of the jokes about the relationship between the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, son-in-law and mother-in-law are written off from real life. Many families who consider themselves believers do not set a proper example of communication with their parents. How to call parents of a spouse (spouses) and how to build relationships - read on.
Perhaps the first question that arises before the marriage is how to call the parents of the spouse?
Some say: surely mom and dad, because they are no longer strangers. Yes, and through such a warm appeal will be able to immediately build relationships.
The second will object: no, only parents are alone. These are the ones who gave you life, raised. Therefore, the parents of the second half is better to call by name and patronymic. Who is right? To get an unequivocal answer, suitable for all at once, is unlikely to succeed.
Mother or Marya Ivanovna - how to call the parents of the second half?
Much depends on the spouses themselves and their parents. In past centuries, similar questions were of little concern to everyone, everyone was called fathers and mothers. Then the families were more united, and very often the parents themselves chose companions for their children.
The modern family looks very different. Young people themselves choose their soul mate, trying to live separately from their parents.
If in your family the relationship between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law develops at the level of understanding and help “mother-daughter”, then there are no obstacles to calling each other that way.
If relations are cooler and more restrained, then why add hypocrisy to the entire list of sins? Believe me, and you, and parents of a life partner, will immediately notice a fake.
There are examples when the daughter-in-law became a daughter, and the mother-in-law became a mother (also with a spouse) after experiencing crisis situations, showed different Christian virtues. The wife, who loves her husband very much, cared for his mother during the hardest illness, after the death of her son, her mother treated the daughter-in-law as if she were her own daughter.
But such a path to the acquisition of love is not for everyone.Therefore, the main thing in the attitude and appeal to the spouse's parents is sincerity, benevolence, love and ... diligence.
How to treat parents of husband / wife?
The problem of communicating with parents of a spouse has always existed. On the one hand, parents can be understood, because they love their child very much, they have invested their soul in it. Someone completely alien to them earlier today "enjoys" how well you raised a son or daughter. But is this a Christian view?
On the other hand, mothers and fathers should realize: their child "is not good to be alone." God conceived a man so that he only gets fullness in marriage.
What may seem “use” from the outside (for example, a husband helps his wife with cleaning and cooking) is actually a manifestation of love and care. Without this wife, to whom he pays so much attention, helps in everyday life, spends all his free time, he would be much worse. Also with my wife.
How do the newlyweds themselves relate to the parents of their companions? With immense gratitude. Just imagine, if there were not these two people, your spouse or wife would not exist.
Do you really love your husband or wife? But imaginehow hard it is for them to observe when relationships between the most precious people in their lives are not developing.
Think of it. Especially when emotions are overwhelmed. Could you keep silent, give up at least for the sake of a loved one? If absolutely nothing, then you love only yourself.
And this question needs to be asked to every son-in-law who doesn’t have the best feelings about her mother-in-law: how can you love your wife and hate her mother at the same time?
Think about the fact that in most cases your spouse will become more and more similar to his mother every year (the Bishop of Smolensk and Vyazemsky Panteleimon speaks about this).
It turns out unconsciously: if the daughter constantly watched as the mother cooks breakfast in the morning, cleans up, then goes to work, then comes back and cooks dinner, goes to church on weekends, gives her family all the time, then this is deeply imprinted in memory. If she had to observe the opposite: mom sawed her father or “parted” him with expensive outfits, then she really would think that this is exactly what is needed.
To change an adult is practically useless. Unless he himself wants to do it for the sake of his beloved / beloved.Therefore, there is only one option: to love the mother-in-law, because after a few decades, almost the same you will need to love ... your own wife.
How to do it? Wise spiritual advice is given by Bishop Panteleimon:If relationships with people do not add up, it is very easy for us, people of believers, to change this: we must pray to God for these people. When we pray for them, our heart softens and we begin to see people not as they seemed to us, unsympathetic, uninteresting. God reveals to us that which we had not noticed before. We are starting to see some special beauty, special dignity, talents.
To live alone or with parents?
Some Christians see an indication that a young family should live separately from their parents, already in the words of the Bible:Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and cling to his wife, and the two will be with one flesh
But these lines have a deeper meaning. First of all, newlyweds should be aware that they have created a family and are now responsible not only for themselves, but also for each other. Of course, the ideal condition for their general growth is a separate stay from the parents and an independent family support.Then it is much easier to avoid domestic problems and maintain good relations with parents. Fathers and mothers should also help their children, but not interfere.
Their son must take responsibility as head of the family, and his daughter help his husband. First of all, they must decide for themselves, plan, develop spiritually. Of course, parents with their experience can support their wise example or advice. But the most important thing they have already managed to give is life and upbringing.
The fact that spouses have a better life separately, is testified by examples of large families. Children grow up, create their own families, acquire housing. Parents are always happy to see them at a party. But it is very hard for someone who has created his own family, but continues to live with his father and mother.
Usually they feel the pressure of loving parents. Father and mother continue to treat them like little ones. And accordingly, they do not let the son feel like the head of the family and take full responsibility, the daughter also remains disadvantaged. She does not do what she decides with her husband, but as her mother says.
Many will argue: but do not leave the parents alone? And if it is old age, illness? Of course, fathers and mothers should always be treated with care and care, be grateful,visit and help more often. This is what the fifth commandment teaches us.
But she does not push a person to sin - constant quarrels with parents, resentment, misunderstanding. If life under one roof harms relationships, then it is better to settle separately. But if the parents find it difficult, they will need help, the children should be there to support and help.
If everything is fine with the father and mother, the children visit them regularly, but have their own housing, then is it necessary to live under the same roof? If the “relationship at a distance” (but not cold, but with love and care) is “lesser evil”, then it is better to choose it.
In order to overcome all the mistakes in the relationship between parents and already family children, it is necessary first of all to work on yourself - to love, be humble, to be extremely honest and sincere. That is what Christianity teaches us. How to build relationships themselves - God will help. A person must learn to trust Him, not his own desires.